Monday, August 5, 2013

Monday's Musing - The Sun Is Going Down Edition

I have no one to blame but me.  We didn't survive this -- I talked myself into believing that I was overcoming the loss, the betrayal, and the anger, but I hadn't.  And the family relationships I had worked hard to cultivate have been for naught, because I hadn't worked through the loss, the betrayal, and the anger with a trained professional.  South Korea has the best medical and dental care I've seen anywhere in the world; however, the mental and emotional fields are lacking.  My queries about finding a psychologist in this region was met with furrowed brows or shoulder shrugs.  So I told myself I could do this myself, but I erred.  I have no one to blame but me.

I will take several weeks to cease my business ventures here.  That time will allow me to send my archived photographic work overseas.  The significantly large number of framed images intended for exhibition and for sale have mostly been dealt with at this writing.  Those few that remain that can't be sold or donated will be destroyed prior to my departure.  

I have a lovely group of friends in Gwangju, and I am indebted to them for their assistance during this period of time.  Their help has been invaluable.   

I believe Elton John says it best:  Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.

© Mark Eaton

This story I share with my readers for a couple of reasons.  First, if your spouse, family member, or friend experiences the death of the child, please realize that someone needs to step up to help that person who experiences the loss...and that person will be you.  No shit, if the grieving person tells you he is okay, he is bullshitting himself and he is bullshitting you.  A parent will never fully recover from losing a child, because of the guilt and because of the 'what if I had...' type of questions, but the parent can learn to develop some tools to deal with the loss.  By way of illustration, maybe you can start here, or maybe someplace else.  Understand that the grieving parent will not know which way is up or down for a long time, and the process of starting to help your friend or family member can possibly save relationships.

Second, you, as the grieving parent will not know what the fuck you are doing.  You will not even have sense enough to pull down your pink panties when you need to piss and shit.  Don't think so?  Just wait, man, when that shit happens.  One or two of your buddies will be a great help, because they read the above paragraph, but most will not know what the fuck is happening either.  I can tell you to be patient with others, and that the rage you vent at others won't be taken personally, but that is bullshit.  You are going to need help, sooner, not later, and that help will come from outside sources.  None of this stiff upper lip nonsense; that mindset will only destroy relationships in the world of now.  Ask, and continue to ask, and ask again for assistance, and for resources.  

If you live somewhere that doesn't have resources, then planes, trains, or automobiles to someplace that does have resources.  Can't afford that?  Not to worry, man, when your job performance or business takes a dive to the bottom of the won't have any money then either.  Better to go sooner, not later.  

Third, if your friend or family member experiences loss, then patience, patience, and patience.  That person doesn't know what the fuck is going on.  If they continue to talk about the loss, that person needs professional help.  Especially true for family, the grieving person will rage at the strangest of times; something triggered a memory, or guilt, or something subconscious that hasn't been work on yet with a trained professional.  In these instances, do not take anything personally, because you are not the just happen to be there when something triggered the outburst.  If you haven't sought out professional help, then now is the time to do it.  Forget the priest, rabbi, and imam, because they don't know what the fuck is going on either...speaking from personal experience.

I don't know what else to say, except that I royally fucked up the best situation and relationship I've ever been in.  Sooner, not later.

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